Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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