so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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