look no pants
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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