Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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