I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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