I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
