if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
