so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
