My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
