im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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