Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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