I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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