Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize