He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
