how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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