His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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