i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
