the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
