I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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