I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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