forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
