My friends, they love my intelligence
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
