Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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