What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
