Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
