ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
