We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
