On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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