Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
