Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
