My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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