ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
