It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize