i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
