does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
