Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
