ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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