I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
