On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize