I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
