I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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