Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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