I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
