I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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