So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
