don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
