My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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