She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
