it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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