Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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