My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
