i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
