i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
