Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
